chewing gum scrap

smoke hung on her skin like a wet veil. her eyes were wide with awe. with wonderment. with fear. can nobody see her stumbling through the thickets? can they not see the tall reeds trembling like a body hanging from the gallows as she touched them? can they not smell her? her movements seemed to her to reverberate across the marsh. she felt like she was a walking elephant parade, stomping down trees with loud booming steps to rich carnival music. she thought she reeked. the smell of rotting and smoke stung her nose. she rubbed it absentmindedly, sniffling each time like a four year old with the chills as she pushed through the dense leaves. she waited for the jolt. the sudden punch in the stomach when one falls. she waited to step on air... the anticipation. the eagerness. she wanted it. she wanted to fall through the foliage. off the cliff. no bungee cord. no safety net. she wanted to fall. she stopped in her tracks with the sudden realisation that she wanted it so badly it ate at her like acid. her insides were hollow. empty. an enormous void that she's been trying so hard to fill with smoke and broken glass. and she couldn't remember how she got this way. how she got there in the shrubery. she was lost, just like she had always wanted to be. no qualms. no fear. she was there on her own accord. she palced herself there. the sky was a million shards of colored glass seen from under the flowers and weeds. she felt like alice in the daisy bed right before she found her white rabbit and fellin into the rabbit hole. she had a feeling her wonderland wouldn't be as cheery and pleasantly offbeat as alice's if she ever found it. she could hear liam's voice calling her from somewhere. she wasn't sure if he was there to find her of it was her white rabbit there to lead her down the cliff. either way, she had nothing to lose and it only made her more curious. she stood up and moved towards where she thought liam's voice was coming from.

prettified slob

i have it all - the junk food. the coffee. the cigarettes. the DVDs. the gameboy. the bed. the airconditioned room. everything i need to be a certifiable slob for the day.

i need a hole in the wall that i can scream into. where are you when i need you to make me laugh?

OMG... hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha..... nothing, really. i just needed to find something to laugh at and failing to do so, i guess laughing at nothing works just as well... sort of. i hope there are good movies on cable tonight. they had pretty good ones on star movies the whole day through. Comic Book Villains is funny. somehow i can't bring myself to laugh at it right now... i've been taking deep breaths eversince 3 pm. and my mind's on the packet of cheese pretzels i have upstairs. oooh yum.

myeh. decisions decisions. what should i splurge on tomorrow now that i've bombed 650 bucks on shoes, clothes, trip to penang and just food and movies? blah. can you believe it? food and movies take up most of the 650 bucks. lunch with liz... i think i definitely need to be around living people. anyone. it doesn't matter as long as they keep me busy. books perhaps... the rest of the sandman collection maybe? or more clothes? boy, hedonism sure has me suckered in so deep into it i'm getting pale from the lack of exposure to sunlight. that was lame. sorry.

oooh... going for dinner now. i think i deserve to pig out right now.