like how shadows are bright

i don't remember the last time i posted on this. *checks* early august. and in these two months, i've lived and died and woken up to find myself in an array of possitions, some not humanly possible. [get your head out of the gutter]
most of which by now, without the help of cryptic journal entries on livejournal, i have forgotten.
i'm starting to feel like i should start packing up to leave. doesn't matter where. or trashing everything in sight at random. and pray that they don't take out the trash too soon.

sometimes Change is a sneaky little bastard. comes up to you from the back and wraps you in clingwrap before you can even say "stay away from me you fucking sneaky bastard!". yeah... but sometimes you're kind of thankful that it is.

chewing gum scrap

smoke hung on her skin like a wet veil. her eyes were wide with awe. with wonderment. with fear. can nobody see her stumbling through the thickets? can they not see the tall reeds trembling like a body hanging from the gallows as she touched them? can they not smell her? her movements seemed to her to reverberate across the marsh. she felt like she was a walking elephant parade, stomping down trees with loud booming steps to rich carnival music. she thought she reeked. the smell of rotting and smoke stung her nose. she rubbed it absentmindedly, sniffling each time like a four year old with the chills as she pushed through the dense leaves. she waited for the jolt. the sudden punch in the stomach when one falls. she waited to step on air... the anticipation. the eagerness. she wanted it. she wanted to fall through the foliage. off the cliff. no bungee cord. no safety net. she wanted to fall. she stopped in her tracks with the sudden realisation that she wanted it so badly it ate at her like acid. her insides were hollow. empty. an enormous void that she's been trying so hard to fill with smoke and broken glass. and she couldn't remember how she got this way. how she got there in the shrubery. she was lost, just like she had always wanted to be. no qualms. no fear. she was there on her own accord. she palced herself there. the sky was a million shards of colored glass seen from under the flowers and weeds. she felt like alice in the daisy bed right before she found her white rabbit and fellin into the rabbit hole. she had a feeling her wonderland wouldn't be as cheery and pleasantly offbeat as alice's if she ever found it. she could hear liam's voice calling her from somewhere. she wasn't sure if he was there to find her of it was her white rabbit there to lead her down the cliff. either way, she had nothing to lose and it only made her more curious. she stood up and moved towards where she thought liam's voice was coming from.

prettified slob

i have it all - the junk food. the coffee. the cigarettes. the DVDs. the gameboy. the bed. the airconditioned room. everything i need to be a certifiable slob for the day.

i need a hole in the wall that i can scream into. where are you when i need you to make me laugh?

OMG... hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha..... nothing, really. i just needed to find something to laugh at and failing to do so, i guess laughing at nothing works just as well... sort of. i hope there are good movies on cable tonight. they had pretty good ones on star movies the whole day through. Comic Book Villains is funny. somehow i can't bring myself to laugh at it right now... i've been taking deep breaths eversince 3 pm. and my mind's on the packet of cheese pretzels i have upstairs. oooh yum.

myeh. decisions decisions. what should i splurge on tomorrow now that i've bombed 650 bucks on shoes, clothes, trip to penang and just food and movies? blah. can you believe it? food and movies take up most of the 650 bucks. lunch with liz... i think i definitely need to be around living people. anyone. it doesn't matter as long as they keep me busy. books perhaps... the rest of the sandman collection maybe? or more clothes? boy, hedonism sure has me suckered in so deep into it i'm getting pale from the lack of exposure to sunlight. that was lame. sorry.

oooh... going for dinner now. i think i deserve to pig out right now.

find your temple

bali was lovely. there's a sense of peace on that island. and lots of hot surfer dudes whiling their hot june days away by the beach in their bead necklaces, tattoos and boardshorts. the temples were beautiful and the marble statues of ancient balinese deities frozen in what they're remembered for were breathtaking in every angle and light. the people there are content, simple and beautiful [not to sound lamely cliched, but they are]. the guides we hired were amusing. they share the same name. the one that took the other 4wd has a knack for telling us jokes in hand signals. the one that took us around has a lovely name [norman dharmayuda - amusing how the other guide was trying to explain that his name means balanced war] and a friend who died in the bali bomb blast. we stood together at the monument, reading names under our breaths as he smoked a cigarette and i asked him what his friend's name was [if you ever happen by that place, he is number 23]. he has this thing for calling me miss jasmin and keeps reminding me that i can sit down while i wait for the rest to appear from whichever corner they have gone to explore. and for five whole days, i wish i lived there for my entire life in the way i'd want to curl up in a warm bed under cotton covers in a cold room sipping italian chocolate and munching on almond biscotti. i will go back again.

i don't understand how i can hate you so much sometimes. or how you can allow me to. heartbreaker. neither do i understand how you can dish out apologies so easily. it makes me wonder if you really mean them all. i wonder what you really mean when you say that we're friends/soulmates/buddies. and perhaps i have been acting too indifferent to all your little bits of nonsense. perhaps i have put up with you a little too much. perhaps. i spoke to a girl today who is heartbroken because the boy she likes is indifferent. then i read this in someone's journal:

i'd made friends with a girl named aryiel who is heartbroken because the boy
she likes kissed her eyelids and traced her face as they lay in a hammock
together, and she says you just don't do that with someone unless you love them.
"you just don't trace someone's face unless they mean something to you, right?"
right.

right. but not everyone thinks so. that's why there are heartbroken people asking questions. i smoke a cigarette for you each time you break my heart. people ask me why i look different. i tell them it's just that through the cigarette smoke, i just look a little blurry. thanks to you.

peter pan never knew he shot the wendybird

the weather's been nasty. the sun seems to be at her sadomasochistic best, lashing out at us with her leather whip and chains. making us all wish we were naked. Meowr.

i am weary from staying up with you after work, lying around aimlessly smoking ourselves stupid over funny movies marathon. and while you indulged yourself in hours of artificial team sports, i lay by your side taking pictures of you and making everything in your house look sad and lonely in sepia photographs.
the thing i love about you is that you waste your life away in the worst possible ways and come up with the most sensible, downtoearth, logical things to say in the most serious tone at the same time. and while i don't lap up every single word you hand me, i can't help but feel that you are somewhere that i have always wanted to be at. and sometimes, when i'm not awake, you speak to me like an older brother does his little sister - the mixture of condescendence and love enough to drive me to annoyance and yet leave me grounded and settled. i cannot place a finger on the absolute-ness of what we are. my life revolves faintly around the mystery of us. the nonexistence. the suspicion. so deliciously fascinating. i tell people that you are everything i am not. i tell them that we are so different in the exact same way that we are so much alike. i get blank stares in return. nervous laughs. that sarcastic roll of the eyes. i don't expect them to understand my blabbering. i don't suppose you would? i miss those ungodly hours in the morning where we would sit around dazedly and yammer on about things we normally wouldn't talk about when we're sober and normal.

anyway.

i've been listening to this song a lot. no particular reason except that it's got a cute tune going.

kukatakan dengan indah - peterpan
kukatakan dengan indah
dengan terbuka
hatiku hampa
sepertinya luka menghampirinya
kau beri rasa yang berbeda
mungkin kusalah mengartikannya
yang kurasa cinta
tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
terlalu meninggikanmu selalu meninggikanmu
kau hancurkan hatiku hancurkan lagi
kau hancurkan hatikutuk melihatmu
kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagih
kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
membuatku merasakan yang telah terjadi
semua yang terbaikdan terlewati
semua yang terhenti tanpa kuakhiri


i miss this one. the good old late 90's music and shirley manson... slightly obsessive, but then again, who isn't?

#1 crush - garbage
I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will cry for you I
will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart

I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me

Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I will wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sink ships for you
To be close to you
To be part of you
Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you


fix me now - garbage
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Bury me above the clouds
All the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear
Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy ever more
Everything I had to give
Gave out long before
Fix me now, I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind, somebody should
From hollow into light
Crashing silent, broken down
Falling in to night
Who gave up and who gave in
I'll go without a fight
You cut me down or cut me dead
Cut me in or out
Kiss me blind time after time
Take away my doubt
Fix me now, I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind, somebody should
From hollow into light
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Nowhere, only down from here
Pick me off the floor
Take away the things I dream
One time One place One more
Fix me now, I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind, somebody should
From hollow into light
Fix me now, I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind, somebody should
From hollow into light
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day...

boop boop bee doo

i can't get through the book a friend lent me. it's incredibly light reading but i just feel like i'm robbed of time. :P don't tell her i said that though. it's just not my kind of lifestyle, whatever this book is written about.

i need to cry but i can't. i so totally need that bottle of absolut vanilla james bought the other day. drink it all down and perhaps i'll finish crying where i left off last year.

on a lighter note, i get tomorrow, saturday and sunday off. on a not so light note, i'm sort of broke and not entirely in the mood to enjoy the weekend.

when someone has a tendency to forget what they say, you have a tendency to not believe a word they say after a while. yeah sure... i forget things too, but if it's things that really matters to you, you'd at least have an inkling that you professed all those sentiments and ideas in the first place. but then again, things have always been slightly weird where we're concerned. it's like an unexplainable painting that you'd have to see and experience and no definitions, descriptions and hoity toity criticism can do it justice. and i mean that in a good way and a bad way. how good and how bad? think extreme ends of the spectrum. i think i just care too much. emo dumbass.

language barriers fucking sucks. i've been feeling like a monkey being thrown into a pig pen for the longest time. adaptation is inevitable. i'll be a pink monkey with a snout soon enough. i hope.

they've found jube. she's safe but unfortunately, she's a little ... distracted. i just hope all goes well. i'm just extremely relieved that she's alive and well and not floating face down in some duckpond. no seriously. she's been talking so much about the ducks in the park before she disappeared that i kinda got worried that she might just i dunno... do something that she shouldn't do. :(

ah i'm going to hail sleep like i'd hail a cab. it'd be the only way i'll get any sleep right now. perhaps if i read a few more pages of that book... :P

steamin' sweet potatoes!

mum's cooking. that's a good thing. yesterday, she made us chilli crab. why is this a big deal? the last time she made us that was when i was three. well, at least that was the last time i remember eating her chilli crab. THREE. i remember because it was too spicy and i couldn't eat it. oh the frustration! BUT i got to suck on ice, so that was a big plus. for a three-year-old. next mission: to bug mum to make her chicken curry. ah... potatoes *drool*

i need a vacation. did i spread the good news that i'm going to bali in july? now if only i've got a valid passport and cash to spend there.

i am a compulsive fridge opener. you know the kind. we'd open the refridgerator and stand in front of it to stare at the contents even when we don't need anything from it. i guess this would be about the same as compulsive nailbiters and shoplifters.

you know when you hear things about people you don't have to hear, makes you wonder what's been spreading about yourself doesn't it?

on a lighter note, dinner's ready. yay.

sylvia plant your tree. i will water it.

the words are clogging up my mind. i am rifling through a mound of questions and my nails are packed with dirt, my fingers black with dirt and sweat. i will seek forever and i still wouldn't be able to find the right words to tell my story. i will have short, unfinished anecdotes. i will have smart one liners. i will never have my story. people will never hear me. this is my folly. my choice. my doing. nothing that happens to me is ever the fault of others.

dear dear saviour... i don't know how you can ever save me if you never know that you have just been made responsible for my life. i won't tie the rope around your neck and drag you down with me though. i promise. i won't let you watch me fade and shrivel up because i know how much you dislike twisted scenes like that. i promise. but please. save me. i think i love you. maybe i don't. i really don't know. i might hate you too that's why i picked you to save me. ... i don't know.

oasis' new album releases today. how much do you want to bet that it's going to be a disappointment because i have been expecting too much?

spaghetti cat's cradle

no strings attached, jasmin. is that really a bad thing? stop being so paranoid. the stars in your eyes are fading. you can feel it too. that's why you're afraid.

the weekend, by the way, was rather... enlightening. confusing somewhat, but altogether enlightening. it's when you said, under your breath - "what's happening?" that i realised we were walking down the same road. i chose not to answer you because we would then realise that we're both lost. what could be more frightening than that? and i think our giggles were merely there to hide any sort of fear that we had.

i sort of half wish i have lyrics to copy and paste that would describe what's really going on right now. unfortunately i am naturally lazy and even running a search on the Net seems like an awfully big task that i don't have to take up right now.

it's the sort of morning where you sit on the couch with a bowlful of cornflakes [yes someone grocery shopped] with music from your past playing fullblast by the albums. kittie would go first. then maybe a dose of kula shaker. there's got to be oasis. then maybe some manic street preachers. the good old queen of the damned soundtrack. santana and the doors. the morning should last forever, but you're probably going to zonk out halfway through the third song.

life is just a bunch of fancy metaphorical lyrics put together to sound deep and profound. it doesn't really mean anything.

pardon me while i evaporate

i feel a sudden need to have a large bowl of Honey Stars cereal in cold milk. i miss having that sort of breakfast at any given time of the day. even wheatbix with fresh banana slices.

today someone told me that we are soulmates. strangely, i didn't know how to react to that statement, having it being said so nonchalantly it almost sounded as if he was just saying "hey, it's raining". is it safe then to conclude that the constant need to flail for air while simultaneously feeling an unexplainable peace and comfort when around him confirms his deduction? five minutes pass. an hour. a day. i am strangely calm and apathetic about it. not enough to brush it off as coffee table chatter or not write about it, but just enough to acknowledge it without any dramatic emotional turmoil. i am flattered too that he sees my existence in his twenty years from now. i, frankly have not ventured that far into the future land of what if's. i have not even begun to wonder what the weekend would be like.

tobacco pixie stix electrical tape

the last time i had pixie stix, i was a six-year-old scientist with einstein's hairdo. i ended up with glasses of colored sugared water sitting before me on the table while i munched slowly on my Wonka Mudsludge and orange chocolate. and i would be up for more than 2 days, watching the blinds of my bedroom window turn a billion shades of blue as day became night became day became night... and i would crash for the whole day only to wake up in time for roast chicken dinner and repeat the whole process again. ... just reminiscing the times spent studying abroad.

was out for the night with a bunch of colleagues. most amusing experience. firstly, the place we went to wasn't the sort of place that we'd have normally gone to. heck, we [well, at least i didn't] didn't even know it existed despite having been around that area so many times. waited out the live music [which was pretty good] and the girls were dancing their hearts out when the dj started playing and i got to sit around and be quizzed about the most random things around. e.g. what's the address of the white house? what does PVC stand for? what are the five prehistoric humans? how did hitler lose the war? what does BMW stand for? why did taiwan separate from china? who baptised jesus? lmao word of advice, if anyone ever asks where sadism came from, do not give the right answer. look where it got me. hours of quizzing and poking at my flaws [i have boring hairdo hahah] and complexes. still, it was pretty amusing. and add like 8 glasses [oh, it's not just glasses... it's highball glasses] of alcohol to all that and it feels pretty much like a back to school nightmare. lol the guy said that he was pretty impressed that i could answer most of his questions, wondered aloud if i really am a psycho because of the books i read and the movies i watch, told me i'm shallow despite my intelligence because i have a socialising problem, told me it's getting irritating that i can answer his questions and said that i'm an oddity. gee. like. thanks a lot. not.

the way stories go, everybody cries a little...

... loves a little. live a little. and then die. and then you die all over again.

letting muses free is one of the most painful things to do.

hi. have you rotted much, lately?

this is cheesy, i know. but they're your favourite songs. slightly suicidal i noticed, but yeah.... YOUR favourite songs... not mine. yet they seem to mean something right now:

The Drug Don't Work
All this talk of getting old, it's getting me down my love. Like a cat in a bag, waiting to
drown, this time I'm comin' down. And I hope you're thinking of me as you lay down on your side. Now the drugs don't work they just make you worse but I know I'll see your face again. Now the drugs don't work. They just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again. But I know I'm on a losing streak 'cause I passed down my old street. And if you wanna show, then just let me know and I'll sing in your ear again. Cause if heaven calls, I'm coming, too. Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead.

Bittersweet Symphony
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life. Try to make ends meet. You're a slave to money then you die. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down. You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins [things??] meet. No change, I can change But I'm here in my mold, but I'm a million different people from one day to the next . Well I never pray But tonight I'm on my knees I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me. I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now. But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now.

Starcrossed
Behold this night, still and clear. You look here just like an angel sleeping. I wish I could ease your fears. I would catch the diamond tears you're weeping. In your eyes I would hide. By your side I could defy the forces tearing us apart. But reality, as it seems, looking back, is that our dream was fated from the start . We're star-crossed and can't escape. We're condemned and can only wait. At this time now it's far too late to save us from our fate.

wires
You got wires, goin in. You got wires, comin out of your skin. You got tears making tracks. I got tears that are scared of the facts. Running down corridors through automatic doors. Got to get to you. Got to see this through. I see hope is here in a plastic box. I've seen christmas lights reflect in your eyes. You got wires, goin in. You got wires, comin out of your skin. There's dry blood on your wrist. Your dry blood on my fingertip. Running down corridors through automatic doors. Got to get to you. Got to see this through. First night of your life, curled up on your own looking at you now you would never know. I see it in your eyes I see it in your eyes. You'll be alright.

deconstructing you - if you stopped to think...

do not deconstruct. it leaves you feeling scattered... kinda like how your Lego would look if you took it all apart and left them all on the floor. it leaves you feeling somewhat hollow... kinda like oh, you know... the empty Lego box, since all the Lego pieces are on the floor.

boys are drama queens. have you noticed that? or have i just been so blessed as to have witnessed two living breathing anomalies?

would you share your chocolate sundae? stand in the rain to make sure i'm alive? buy me ice-cream when i least expect it? tell me, with a worried look, that i'm suicidal if i really looked it? and still stick by me despite me being a weirdo and a possible psychopath? read to me from the history textbook at 1 a.m.? not laugh at my face during and after my embarrassing moments? keep my secrets safe and sound until the day you die? well, he did. well, you did a couple of the above too. but i stopped taking people apart after i left you scattered everywhere. i don't remember cleaning up but someone must have swept you under a rug. or did you do that all by yourself?

like stardust trapped and floating in lava lamp

i stare at this window. it's been 17 minutes.

i like smoke. i like how it twirls and swirls, making random patterns as it disappears. i like how i can manipulate the patterns by moving the cigarette it's emanating from. just like kaleidascopes, only less colorful and a little more sombre. sombre. that's what it is. i sort of expect an accompaniment of slow lazy music maybe played on a clarinet or a saxaphone in low bassy notes. draggy. and maybe a sultry woman in red with red poppies in her hair, singing about loneliness, love lost, and the contentment of life all in one breath. she'll blow me kisses between verses. she sings with her eyes closed. and when she opens them, they're deep brown and clear. and i will asphyxiate on sight. i sit on the toilet bowl, cigarette between my fingers, closet smoker that i am. bathroom smoker. in denial. hiding. keeping secrets. Douglas Adams' compendium opened before me on my lap. unread. incomplete. his british humour blurring. giving way to imagined music and the hypnotic swirls of the cigarette. i forget to read. i forget to cry. i forget the things i want to say to everyone. i forget to take swigs of smoke from the cigarette. i let it burn. i let it dance. i let it fill me with nonexistence and indifference and beautiful random patterns. beautiful random patterns that lie and cheat you of your very own self. you eat it all up. store it all away. exhale a little of your soul each time you spit out smoke. i end up under the shower, unsure if i am crying. tears unsalted by running water. i am hit by a barrage of words. ideas. visions. all of which are slowly draining away along with the water. down the drain. into the sewage. i do not have time to grab pen and paper to write them all down. i have nothing to save them in. all bottles are filled with colored array of shower cream and shampoo. for a moment, i stop to ponder the significance of my toiletry shelf. the tiny bottles of shower cream. the array of odds and ends. rusted disposable razor in pink. vase of purple plastic tulips. old bottles of aquarium pH balancer and fish food. lighter. stray china tea plate with cigarette burns. abused. misused. lost. it's all me. i am naked under the shower with thoughts drowning me and i can't reach out to save myself without losing something. without the effects of the smoke wearing off and leaving me sober again. i will never find out what douglas adams is trying to tell me. not in a very long while anyway. and i'll end up flicking lighter and watching flames and spark pop up before me when i run out of cigarette smoke.

bowlful of guppies and a bottle of mixed herb

little boy who cried wolf, i don't think you're ready to know the truth. it'll rip you apart and eat you alive. it'll leave you with nothing but your eyes and heart.

i've been craving for a good plate of pasta for ages. i've had some but i still crave it. pile on the parmesan and herbs. i need my stomach filled and my head so heavy from eating that all i can do is loll stupidly in front of an empty plate and smoke clove cigarrettes with coffee.

bottled rainbow formulae

green - i thought this blog could use a little change. think of it as a sort of... shopping spree/makeover-to-make-one-feel-better-about-self sort of thing.

red and blue - a box of cigarettes and a bottle of pepsi twist. what do you see besides a watercolor rorschach test?

yellow and orange - i'll stop smiling when you stop chasing stars.

indigo - i fucking LOVE your jeans. and the key ring you let me keep.

purple - aubergine nails make good conversation piece with the right person.

frere jacques, dormez vous?

one should not untie shoelaces or undo presents because you can never put them back exactly the way they used to be.

still, i'm strangely awake and happy despite everything. i sit and listen to music without listening to the lyrics. there is no point in unbuilding some things sometimes. they look better in their plastic shrinkwrap. perfect.


Daily Forecast for March 11, 2005

It's just your nature to wonder. But when you do too much of it, it can easily turn to obsession. Keeping that in mind, could it be time to stop worrying if there was a deeper meaning behind that comment a loved one recently made? You're a natural-born detective, but some clues just aren't worth following. And some folks aren't clever enough to insert an actual 'meaning' into everything they say.

you SEE... even the horoscopes agree with me.

hanging out with someone, you'll end up finding out things you didn't quite expect you'd want to know. whether that's a good thing or not, i'm still not quite sure. i need to be awake to let it all sink in. i think it makes a slight [only slight] difference if the person you've been hanging out with, who tells you that you're best friends is the same person you have a crush on. O.o hmm... did i say that out loud? at least now i do not have to worry about being self conscious around you because you've just said the magic words. i don't know. it's just a little strange right now. but it's cool though, i'd love to be best friends with you. you make me laugh so. i just have one question for you. why me?

i just realised that you have seen me in situations even my best friend of 13 years has not. it'll be our little secret.

the bed beckons. thanks for waking me up at 4 am just to ask if i'm awake. you really DO rock, you know. -_o

time to wake up frere jacques. things are just the way they are supposed to be. do not ask questions.

back in those days....

since the past few hours have been somewhat shitty, let's just focus on the simple and nice things that people tend to overlook in such pessimistic situations.

1. i found a long lost primary school classmate on friendster. joy! [uhm.. no that's not his name. i was just merely expressing my excitement nonverbally.] who am i kidding? this isn't just any primary school classmate. i used to have the biggest crush on this guy for the longest time. doubt he ever even liked me as a friend though. i think he merely tolerated my existence. lol but it's good to have stumbled upon his account on friendster.

2. [trying really hard to think of something nice that has happened but all i can think of is how i'm going to be missing a birthday party tonight because i'll be stuck at work with a bunch of morons and three quarter who'd most probably work the rest of their lives in that godforsaken pieceofshit place called 'office' doing the same damn fucking thing everyday] oh yeah... i get the weekend off... which reminds me that said morons somehow fucked things up with systems and policies and i end up NOT having a long break for chinese new year which is what left me in such a shitty mood for the past few hours of my otherwise placid and mildly exciting day.

moving along...

3. i have pretty much given up trying to figure things out. they get stranger by the day, but hey, somehow, that's how things end up in my life. i accept things as they are because that's how they're meant to be. OMMMM....

at the rate i was taking deep breaths and chanting mental 'om's, i would have floated up and bopped about the ceiling if i didn't exhale. one of those many times where time oozes on like a big fat python that just swallowed a capybara and you are one step away from climbing onto the table and flailing arms about madly while screaming your guts out about how everyone is a moron and is going to die then flip everyone off before walking out of the office and driving home at 160kilometers per hour. or just take lots of deep breaths and mentally chant 'om'.

4. at least he still knows i exist, which i suppose is a rather uncomfortable situation for us.

5. sucky day has given me new inspiration and need to hunt for a new job/ graduate school/ rich single men. most ly the first two though. i need mental stimulation.

6. mused over the fact that i could feel myself lose a few hundred thousand braincells just sitting there staring at the tv screen. also felt that if i had let myself, i would have drooled like a lobotomy patient also.

realised one thing though. when you feel such a strong urge to create something but are not able to because of one thing or another, you end up feeling an urge to destroy things.

jasmin has a proper conversation

more than once.

that's progress right there. they wanted me to improve socially didn't they. silly appraisals. it's all the more stupid when they give you that little disclaimer right before they start off the crap claiming that 'this is all just procedure. i repeat, only a procedure.'

talking to rob is fun. he bitches with the arrogance of a pompous blueblood. which is hilarious, really. i don't think everyone else finds that amusing though. talking to k. is also fun. but that's only because i've shocked him more than once with the things he finds out i do. which really are just typically boring jasmin shit. talking to the girls [well, some of them] is fun too. they tell you some strangest gossip even when you dont' want to know. talking to mikey is hilarious. everything's a joke and after a while i'm not sure what's serious and what's not anymore. talking to h.'s fun too. he tells you things you never thought of and he has the cutest lisp. so you see, i DO socialise. just because i don't do it often doesn't mean i need to be walking around and talking to everyone during work.

now this one dude i don't get. we talk fine when we're alone, but when there are other people around, we just clam up. honest to goodness. we can be at the table for a whole damn hour with a bunch of colleagues and not utter a single word to each other. but when we're hanging out alone, we'd be bantering off like there's no tomorrow. [ok, that's a little bit exaggerated] if that's not fucked up i don't know what that is. what. is. up. with. that.???! what? is it me? is it because i clam up in front of others, so you do too? or was it a mutual thing? or is it just the language thing? rather tempted to ask... albeit nonchalantly over a cigarette one day... which i don't smoke... maybe i'd find out things i need to know. yeah... maybe...
for example, we had supper with three other colleagues and throughout the entire hour, we didn't say a word to each other but oh yeah, we spoke to everyone else. during one of the breaks, we were outside and we had a perfectly normal conversation. and in the car after work, another perfectly normal conversation. what the hell? i'll just conclude this as a 'it's just me' situation for now.